Ok, so like most things that I have to update, I go like mad for a while, then forget about it. This blog seems to be no different. My bad!
I'm in a funk and don't quite know why. Part of the reason I got this blog was for therapeutic venting, so I thought to myself as I was sitting here, maybe I should put it to good use.
Since my last blog, some things have changed a lot, and others, not at all. In a stroke of irony which seems to define my life, only a few days after I posted my last blog, someone new came into my life. I'd seen him around for a while - he's another racer - but we'd never really talked, and after a few on-track incidents, I kinda thought he didn't like me, and I'm never very fond of anyone who drives dirty (ok, I don't lose particularly gracefully either, but I don't dislike people who beat me if they do it legitimately). Well, turns out we were both harboring some misconceptions about the other, and at the urging of another friend, who informed me that this guy "LIKE like"d me, I gave him a chance. I can't say exactly what day it all started, but I know he took me on our first date to Mouse Cot after buying me in a date auction at a club I was working at, and things have gone from there.
While its amazing to me that someone actually cares for me, rather than just wanting to get some, then get gone (my usual pattern), it's not without its challenges. Our schedules aren't very compatible, so we often don't see each other for days at a time. The other issue is that his RL situation doesn't allow us to always do the things we'd like to, and sometimes a part of me wonders where that spark is. You know, early on, when you have to fight to keep your hands off each other? We don't have that, and I wish we did.
The second big change is the racing... or rather, the lack of racing... with Racers Island having changed their stock cars dramatically between seasons, I chose not to drive the new disasters. I was racing at Daytona, but a few weeks ago, they announced that they were terminating everything but their drag racing series. That announcement came as a shock, as I'm part of the staff there (or was, not entirely sure what's going on right now), and had no more notice than anyone else, and they cut the seasons off only a few weeks in. I was sorely disappointed to say the least.
So now, all I really have left is DJ'ing, and even that isn't as much fun as it used to be. I find myself drifting more and more towards the outer edges of the action, being left behind as everyone around me does new crazy things. Some of my favorite people have left, or I rarely see them anymore, the ones left are mostly wrapped up in their own lives to the point that they barely have time for me, and there's a bunch of new people coming in who seem to be taking my place, not so much on the schedule, but with the people.
Its possible that's just my skewed perception of things, though. I've always been sensitive (some would say over-sensitive) about being not included, and there's very little in the world that gets to me worse than being ignored by people who matter to me -- I tend to do some pretty silly things when I think that's happening. Maybe it is just the funk talking, or maybe it's why I'm in this funk, but I just feel like I'm slowly falling behind everyone, getting more and more disconnected from the people who made me feel like I was actually a part of something. Could be that they're picking up on my mood and backing away, or maybe I'm unwittingly pushing them away. All I know is that I feel very isolated and alone most of the time.
The situation is getting compounded by my RL job troubles. I'm on the hunt for both a summer job right now, and for a position for after school finishes (they do their hiring very early), and the lack of response from most places is getting disheartening. I've had a few interviews for next year, thankfully, so I have SOME hope that that may turn out alright, but I've applied for close to twenty positions for the summer and haven't gotten so much as an email in return from anywhere, let alone a phone call or an interview, much less a job. If I don't find something soon, it's going to wreak havoc with my student financing as well, and if that gets messed up, I'm not sure I can even afford to go back to school for my final year in September.
So there we go. I'm stressed out, depressed, moody, cranky and glum. Not sure how to make it better....
Ideas, suggestions, comments and hugs are welcome.
